Two days to her death, but the pain is still fresh

Today, three years ago I wish I had known the storm was coming. But people don't run from storm because there is no use in running, the storm will still get you and it will rain. It might hit you hard but eventually , it will stop raining. January 17th 2014 (two days before mum's death) I was an ordinary girl, mummy's girl, I had the best relationship with my mother, but who doesn't?

This day marked the 24th day of mum in ICU and the 2nd month in hospital. When we took Mum to the hospital, I really thought it would be like spend at most a week there, and then come home. I was wrong, day's past, weeks, but still it was getting worse.

Through this period I became a self taught Doctor, I spent my time researching of the illness, cures, communicating with Doctors I could find who had time to explain. I researched more than I did my project in Campus. I asked myself a lot of questions mostly was because when you are in pain we always find someone to blame. At this point, Doctors were blame victims. I would sit and ask myself this question, furious at the doctors for being negligent, unkind, and not utilizing their resources to help a patient.

At some point I would ask the nurses, “Is this what all patients experience?”. I had convinced myself that no one seems to care in the hospital, everyone was leaving us in the dark about my mom’s condition, no one had answers or wanted to be informative or even act like they care.

My late Mum and my current mum.I love them both

These thoughts were the birth of more questions about our healthcare system, healthcare professionals, and what I had hoped the world would be like. It would be lovely if all doctors could hold patients' hands through each procedure and lovingly check up on them multiple times a day, but in reality, most hospitals are understaffed, doctors attend to 50-80 patients every day, and it's impossible to give a single patient that sort of individualized care. Doctors still fight every day to save lives. It's not their jobs to care about their patients, it's their job to save the lives of the patients. Now, I see Doctors in a different light, they always do their best even when we don't see it. We always in pain and we end up blaming the Doctors for everything.

Watching someone you love suffer in pain is one of the worst experiences you can imagine or you can wish for your worst enemy. You feel helpless, all you can do is stick by their side and try to make them smile through the pain. You wish you can take on the pain for them but some things will forever be out of your control, there is a higher power making every decision, the good and the bad.
It's been 3years, but I still miss her. January has become my worst month always, but I dedicate January to my Mum, so I write about her each year in January.


I hate January because it comes with pain but again I love January because I get to write and talk to my mum(Obviously in my dreams). But every time we hurt, we heal. After the darkness always comes light and we are reminded each day that God cares, He understand our every pain and He gives us what we can handle. The bad times we experience make good times better. Now I am able to say nothing lasts forever, the good or the bad. We all might as well smile while we are still here and enjoy each day like it's the last.


In two day's time I will re- experience the pain I did three years ago. It always feels like the first time. I find myself crying thinking of her or thinking of the pain she was in. When someone tell's me about their mother. I get angry at even the smallest things that make me remember her. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always expect more from people around me, I expect people to care even when they don't have a reason to, it's humanity. But life had taught me one simple truth, no one will fill that void.


To be continued....