Despite all these years, the pain is still here

One thing about agony is its completely unpredictable. The randomness with which it strikes ones life and catches up with the unpreparedness. It shows up when you least expect it and punches you in the face, leaving you nursing the acute pain. No one has a manual of dealing with grief, we just find ourselves coping with the demise of the loved ones.Truth is, some deaths forces us to relearn how to live.

Today, three years ago I lost my mother at exactly 6:30pm. That was the moment my world itself seemed unstable. Part of my life died that day. I became a complete stranger to myself. I had lost my mother, my best friend, my protector, my first love. I couldn't understand who I was.

You can't blame me, I had lost my world, gone was the woman who loved her children unconditional, always by our side. Gone was she who would listen to our every cry, in her we could confide. Gone is the woman who with gentle words of wisdom she led us on our way down the paths of righteousness if ever we did stray. Gone was she who saw the light in everyone and gave with no regrets.

Gone was the eyes that watched us grow, the eyes that were able to see into my soul. Every single day I long for one more moment, one more breath, and one more warm touch. I always grasp desperately and sense the closeness, the one just at the fingertips of my heart and mind but again the truth downs again, she is gone and I am here with just the memories.

I loved my mother more than anything. I miss her voice and the way she used to pray for us her children. She is and will always be an irreplaceable woman and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. Have you ever loved someone so much that you fear that their death would kill you? To me, that was my mother. As I received the news today (2014) I thought to myself how could I possibly survive the reality that she was no longer living. I stopped living , I had put my life on pause waiting for my mother to return. Sometime I feel it is just a dream and I will wake up any minute.

Past years when I thought of my mums cruel passing, I wished I’d said goodbye,Maybe then I could let go of the day that she died. I blamed God for denying me a chance to say goodbye. Now, I am able to accept that she had to go, you are safe where you are safe from the

Sometimes a warm memory sheds light in the dark and eases the pain like music then it darts away on silent wings and I'm alone; hungering for more of the light it had shone but again it is just wistfulness, longing nostalgia and melancholy that give me company after your demise.

Trust me it is three years since my mother died but I am still figuring out how to live without her. She never gave me a clue on how to do it. I'm still learning and I believe I will come to know how to live with the pain. I am glad I have found way's to survive her death, I have learnt to let go of the mourning part and celebrate her life. The memories help me go through the day. My sense of personal strength has always come from my family.

With love I cannot say in words there’ll never be another. Every chapter full of memories, times of joy and tears,Triumphs and defeats, through every passing year. I hate how time passes, not one comforting word,Like a sheep among wolves, I feel lost in the heard. Every day I turn the page in my heart will ever remain, Everything she taught me as I stroll down memory lane.

I thank God for giving me the most priceless of all treasures (My Mother),I ask God everyday to keep alive her memory here forever. I pray that I can some day be everything she hoped I would, that’s she smiling down from heaven knowing she did good.

Today I will be in pain but not a pain that will kill me rather a pain that keeps my mother memory alive. The pain is part of us and we got to make it seem normal. It is not easy but I am glad I can count on family for anything. Today the pain seems fresh, the pain of losing my mother never goes away. Shall I wither from this deep sorrow from this painful grief? No, I don't think my mother will approve of that, so I will go about the things I have to do today and as the hours pass I know I will still survive the grieve that comes with January the 19th. 

We have just begun the grieving process again with my family. We feel as though the biggest chunk of our lives was taken from us, but at the same time we're happy that Mum is free from pain. She is safe and watching over us . We find relief in knowing that we will see you again someday soon.

So as you sleep Mum, in the cradle of the Lord, we are reassured of God's promises in His Holy Word. 

                    And while she lies in peaceful sleep
                      Her memory we shall always keep

                        In our hearts she liveth still

                          Rest in peace, Mum.

"Remembrance in life's passing is the truest form of love one can give, for a memory should never die and a love should live forever in the heart of another."

Two days to her death, but the pain is still fresh

Today, three years ago I wish I had known the storm was coming. But people don't run from storm because there is no use in running, the storm will still get you and it will rain. It might hit you hard but eventually , it will stop raining. January 17th 2014 (two days before mum's death) I was an ordinary girl, mummy's girl, I had the best relationship with my mother, but who doesn't?

This day marked the 24th day of mum in ICU and the 2nd month in hospital. When we took Mum to the hospital, I really thought it would be like spend at most a week there, and then come home. I was wrong, day's past, weeks, but still it was getting worse.

Through this period I became a self taught Doctor, I spent my time researching of the illness, cures, communicating with Doctors I could find who had time to explain. I researched more than I did my project in Campus. I asked myself a lot of questions mostly was because when you are in pain we always find someone to blame. At this point, Doctors were blame victims. I would sit and ask myself this question, furious at the doctors for being negligent, unkind, and not utilizing their resources to help a patient.

At some point I would ask the nurses, “Is this what all patients experience?”. I had convinced myself that no one seems to care in the hospital, everyone was leaving us in the dark about my mom’s condition, no one had answers or wanted to be informative or even act like they care.

My late Mum and my current mum.I love them both

These thoughts were the birth of more questions about our healthcare system, healthcare professionals, and what I had hoped the world would be like. It would be lovely if all doctors could hold patients' hands through each procedure and lovingly check up on them multiple times a day, but in reality, most hospitals are understaffed, doctors attend to 50-80 patients every day, and it's impossible to give a single patient that sort of individualized care. Doctors still fight every day to save lives. It's not their jobs to care about their patients, it's their job to save the lives of the patients. Now, I see Doctors in a different light, they always do their best even when we don't see it. We always in pain and we end up blaming the Doctors for everything.

Watching someone you love suffer in pain is one of the worst experiences you can imagine or you can wish for your worst enemy. You feel helpless, all you can do is stick by their side and try to make them smile through the pain. You wish you can take on the pain for them but some things will forever be out of your control, there is a higher power making every decision, the good and the bad.
It's been 3years, but I still miss her. January has become my worst month always, but I dedicate January to my Mum, so I write about her each year in January.


I hate January because it comes with pain but again I love January because I get to write and talk to my mum(Obviously in my dreams). But every time we hurt, we heal. After the darkness always comes light and we are reminded each day that God cares, He understand our every pain and He gives us what we can handle. The bad times we experience make good times better. Now I am able to say nothing lasts forever, the good or the bad. We all might as well smile while we are still here and enjoy each day like it's the last.


In two day's time I will re- experience the pain I did three years ago. It always feels like the first time. I find myself crying thinking of her or thinking of the pain she was in. When someone tell's me about their mother. I get angry at even the smallest things that make me remember her. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always expect more from people around me, I expect people to care even when they don't have a reason to, it's humanity. But life had taught me one simple truth, no one will fill that void.


To be continued....

The unbounded curse of a lonely heart

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured enslavement. The pain that makes you burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.

Unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.

I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it's perfect... As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.

Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again

Love is a very complicated thing because it requires two people, two individuals who are usually as different as they are similar. Love itself is not something that exists outside the people who feel that they are in love. If that were the case, then every time one person fell in love with another, the other would automatically fall in love as well.

Fact, A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere or rather who doesn’t have an idea of how painful it feels.

Being in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's quite the opposite, No? I mean that kind of exhale where you haven't been rejected, although you pretty much know how it's going to turn out.

Fact, People who rely on first sight are either lazy or deluded but for me I choose to be both, call me crazy but I am those people who prefer unrequited love. To me relationships are like Whack-a-Mole. You squash one annoying deformity and another one pops up in no time, that’s about it.

If you don't receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different continents. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this.

I really wish it were that simple, but believe me when I tell you it isn’t. Many of us have probably been in a similar situation and can likewise vow that being in love with someone does not guarantee that this person will love you back. However, like beauty exists in the eyes of the beholder, love exists in the mind of the lover. For this reason, it is possible to make someone fall in love with you.

But this was me, and I was moving at my own pace. Oh, he he, it is still me….

Fact: My story started a hundred years ago. There's time.

Sylviah Makinia

My life took the pretense of indifference

My life took the pretense of indifference

By Makiniah Sylviah

 I like to say my life took the pretense since I am defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by my reaction to them and because there is joy in embracing rather than running from the utter absurdity of life. If I pretend to be good, the world takes me very seriously. If I pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism. Come to think of it Good, Bad, Stupidity we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

I can finally see all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened but funny thing is the things that make me weird and different are actually the most important parts of my life.

The key is just to ignore the pain, because physical comedy only works if you see someone get hurt and they aren't actually hurt. If someone gets hit in the face with a ball, falls down and gets back up, it's funny. If they stay down and their jaw is wired shut in the next scene, it's really tragic and weird. You have to pretend it doesn't hurt. Someone thought of that, I am not sure who.

I've learned to get really good at this - say one thing when I'm thinking about something else, act like I'm listening when I'm not, pretend to be calm and happy when I'm really freaking out. It's one of the skills you perfect when you decide to be me.

But maybe happiness isn't in the choosing. Maybe it's in the fiction, in the pretending: that wherever we have ended up is where we intended to be all along. Being able to live my life transparently does empower me to feel like I can be myself more.

Love always involves a modicum of pretence: really loving someone requires that you must behave as though you love them, deep down, even when they appall you. And appall you they will: no matter how genuinely smitten you are, eventually everyone you ever fall in love with will do something that is a bit horrifying.

I think that this kind of pretending is probably among the most loving things you can do in a committed relationship; nothing says "I really do care" quite like "I won't leave you even though sometimes I find you kind of weird.”

I’m pretending that I don’t miss someone, and I bet he doesn't even know. Why would he/she? I’ve put a lot of effort into this charade and I’m pulling it off with such ease. I’ve almost even convinced myself that I don’t miss him/her like that. Sort of like that creepy thing people do when they’re sad and just smile anyway; eventually the smile becomes real, and the forced weirdness just fades away.

Right now I’m wondering if you’re reading this and wondering if it’s you, because if you are then maybe you miss me like that too, or maybe you just see right through me and my façade isn’t as perfectly curated for emotion as I thought it was. Sometimes I think that you miss me, but it’s not hard to convince myself of my former opinion that of course you don’t. So I’m going to keep pretending I don’t miss you maybe forever because I’m terrified that you won't miss me like that in return.  Don't mind me, this is all in my mind, it's just a thought I had in a dream.

What you don’t know is that sometimes I can sleep at night because I’m thinking about you. I’ll smile about something you said and concoct scenarios in which you’re madly in love with me and we’re vacationing in some exotic location (we can only dream). 

In this world sometimes I feel scared and alone, and while I’m pretending I don’t  miss you like that, I know for certain that you will always be there for me when I need you, and I’m scared that if you knew how I really felt, you wouldn’t be there for me at all.

Someone said we should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgment of the intellect is only part of the truth.

While falling in love might ideally be an activity that occurs on a plane more elevated than that on which many of the rest of our usual activities happen the fact is that its mechanics can be equally dull. And going through the motions to trick ourselves into thinking that we are happy with our lot is something that we do to cope with many other crucial challenges in our lives.

So today I'll dust myself off, I'll suck my gut in, I'll face the night and I'll pretend I got something to believe in and while on that I’m going to break away from the routine for a second and be completely honest…I have no fucking clue what is going on. 

You know what happens to feelings when you hide them? They grow like one of those goddamn toys that you put in water which expand to like 1000x their normal size and get totally unmanageable and damp and weird looking.

It isn’t always a spheroid of fun to tell someone that you have feelings, because it puts you in a place where you are super vulnerable and most people really want to be cool because then the person they have a crush on will crush them back but this is not a logical course of action.

None of us are cool. We all have feelings. Somehow, you must communicate your feelings before they get so confusing and disproportionately large that you forget how to speak. You aren’t uncool for feeling. Obviously don’t hammer the person over the head with your feelings - but express them, take in their response, breathe, move forward.

My love, My Valentine

My love, My Valentine

By Makinia Sylviah

To you my future,

I didn't plan to meet anyone that day nor did I plan to fall in love. I wasn't even looking for a new best friend or even a friend but God had other plans for me. You changed all that, the first glance and my legs couldn't walk without you beside me, the attraction was electrical and unexpected and it led to what we have now.

You came into my world and turned it upside down, the connection we have is impossible to ignore. You are the first person that I showed the real me to and you appreciated me for me and loved every single imperfection that I had , with time you found out more about me than I had ever let anyone else know. We shared and so much, yet there is still so much to learn. I know much about you, and then again, so little and I want to keep knowing more day in day out.

I love your smile, I love your eyes, you make me laugh, you also make me cry, and you make me feel alive. You are "the one" I love you.

It isn't easy being so in love with you and not being able to see you every day. There are times when I’d give anything just to be able to gaze into your eyes or hold you in my arms, even for a few minutes. I always feel incomplete, like a part of me is missing, when we’re not together. I know that right now this is how things have to be, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. Every day without you reminds me of the joy you add to my life, joy that I’m missing. So don’t forget that I love you, that I’m thinking of you, and that I’m counting every minute until we’re together again.

 I still don’t know how to say this, but I thank you very much for always being there for me. Thank you for loving me, even when I’m being impossible and grumpy, for offering your unconditional support.

Thank you for seeing me through the eyes of love, and overlooking my many flaws. For making me feel beautiful. For believing in my imperfection and making me get the best in myself.

Thank you for standing with me when I needed you most, behind me when I needed a push, In front of me when I needed someone to follow.

I know I’m not the easiest person to love, to look at, to share a life with but you still stayed. Thank you for doing it anyway and for always wanting to do it anyway.

I never knew about this special feeling until I met you in my dreams. I am glad I took the chance. Hoping to meet you soon...If you exist.

I love you .          

Final journey: It was the end, she was really gone

It was the end, she was really gone

By Makiniah Sylviah

This was the day, January the 25^{th 2014}, mums final journey. The day I was forced to grow up, the day I marked the end of a wonderful time with my mother. The day that I wish it never existed. It was mum’s funeral.

Mums funeral was a distressing ordeal for me in various ways and I was sorrowful and forlorn as I sat at the front seat at our Maraka farm in Webuye. I sat perfectly still with my hands folded on my lap wishing this day had never come into being. We sat as a family, I could see the pain in my the eyes of my dad and my siblings. I could actually feel the pain in their eyes.

I know we all have to die at some point, none of us is immortal but mum had died too young, 47!!! Too soon.

 I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the service, after a moment I realized I was only half listening to the people who were giving their eulogies. My thoughts were on my family, who were sitting with me in the front seat.

Who will take care of us? Who will take care of dad? Who will see each one of us through the troubles of life? Who will encourage us to keep on when there was no hope? Who will….?? My mind had a lot of questions. But again my dad was there, he knew just what to do…He has always known what’s best for us…But this time he was weak, I could hear a strangled sob. I glanced at dad and he turned and I saw the tears trickling his cheeks, I saw the pain on his face, I knew he was suffering  as much as we were or more than we were…. Those are the moments that I remember today.

I remember the moment the coffin was being lowered into the ground, the overwhelming unending pain, I felt so alone, I began to weep. I was doing my best trying to be strong for my siblings. Finally I understood this was the end, that I will never be able to see you again, to hear your voice again, to see your smile again. She was gone for real.

I took a hold of my kid brother arm and helped to support him, assuring him that everything was going to be fine. I experienced an overwhelming feeling of sadness as we left the scene at the grave. A big part of my life had come to an end, I knew it was never going be the same again but I lied, I lied to my siblings that everything was going to be fine.

At one moment I looked at the skies and just saw mum say final goodbye and then she disappeared. I was only a girl but I grew up that day, I had to take up responsibilities that I never thought I was capable of. Ever since that day, it's been clear to me that no matter what comes family is always and will be always overrated.

Today God has blessed us, even though the pain is still there, we are together as a family and stronger. I think God made mum an angel to take care of us better.

Mum used to say when the waves are taking you under just call on God and don’t despair just hold on God will help you through.

I had a wonderful mother, one who never really grew old. People said her smile was made of sunshine, and her heart was solid gold. That is a brief explanation of who she was. Though the Memories of the past are vague and the hurts are forever within us, I choose to forget the pain and hurt and today I choose forever, this are the memories of all I have to hold on to.

In my mind I remember a face, a face of this beautiful woman (my mum). She rarely frowned and she always wore a smile. It’s been said that a mother’s heart is the child’s library and I thank God for all that my mum taught me through the years.

She was a Godly mum; she taught me the importance of having a relationship with God. There isn’t anything more important for a mother to teach her children than to teach them how to have a relationship with God.

Mum always told us never to give up, never to quit no matter the circumstance and today I am proud to say your legacy lives on. We are more of you as the days pass.

My mother was an inspiring soul always there for all who came to her with their troubles with kind words and wise advice. Her home was open to everyone and her hospitality made everyone feel important. She was the most Loving, Humble, Compassionate, Understanding, and person. One of the most beautiful souls one could ever meet.

I miss you every day mum and I love you so much…Rest in eternal peace ….Take care of us from heaven, I know you got a great view.

Today she is going to die....

My mum, Jane Laini Juma, died today, January 19th . Of course today I mean today January 19th 2014. Yes it has been a year and yes I still feel the pain like it has just happened now .

My mother suffered hugely before she died, and you'd think that would make it easier, knowing that her pain has ended. But it doesn't. Instead, the thought of how she spent the last 30 days in ICU, with her illness that was robbing her gradually of every pleasure, every activity, every independence, before it stopped toying with her and allowed her to go, is torture.
home cannot be complete without a mother, for she is the very person that brings the family together, she is the person we long for when we feel discouraged or on the edge of giving up, she is the person  who will be  there  for us no matter what in a matter of seconds.

As I wait for departure at the Kenya Airways lounge I thought of this day a year ago.. Year can't believe it's a year already... By this time last year I was awake preparing for work.  It was Sunday 19th of January 2014, the day my whole world came down cutting my veins into small invisible pieces that couldn't be placed back together.

I remember that day I woke up feeling uneasy,  I though it was because of working late that Saturday.  So I was extremely early that day at work... I was there by 6am, yes that early I am those early bird, it's just that wings are still growing.

I dreamt of you that previous night and I promised myself to travel to Eldoret after work on Sunday.

I was new at work and I was so excited to finally go home and visit my mum in hospital. I didn't like the weather in Nairobi and the food.  I wanted to smell fresh air as I eat sweet food from my mum's kitchen. 

The day went on well and now it was few hours before I close work and I was just editing the last stories for printing.... Then the call that changed my system blood to blue and crushed all the bones leaving me weak in small invisible pieces. 

That fateful day my dad called at 8:36pm,  that was unusual of him.. He calls me late but late after work that is if necessary at 10...So I knew something  wasn't right,  I picked the call.......  I don't remember what happened next but I sure had no mother when I came back to reality.

So today I think I got close to you... The scene was peaceful... I had alone time with you... I feel great knowing that you are in  a better place...I don't want to write much today but Lemmi say: Mom I am very blessed to have had you as my Mother, I am proud that Heavenly Father chose you to be by my side in every stage of my life.

I am blessed tremendously because your memories continue to encourage me to become a better person; I am so full of hope knowing that no matter what trials and difficulties I face, I work through them with confidence knowing that things will work out because my mum is helping me every step of the way.

I don't know how this day will end but I sure know that I miss you... And today is one those days that I am just in low moods...I will write to you later..