Missing Mama
By
Makinia Sylviah
I had a dream about you again last night, you were
there… Thought I saw your face today in the sparkle of the morning sun but then
I heard a voice say “Her work on earth is done”. I thought I heard your voice today;
laughing your hearty laugh, and then the angel said to me “There’s peace at
last.” I thought I felt your touch today in the breeze that rustled by and then
the angel reminded me that the spirit never dies. Then I thought that I would
miss you forever but then I heard the angel say “She’s with you every day.”
I awake each morning to start a new day but the
pain of losing you never goes away. Shall I wither and fall like an autumn
leaf, from this deep sorrow - from this painful grief? I go about the things I
have to do and as the hours pass I think again of you. I want to call you
and just hear your voice so I pick my phone and dial your number, your number
still functions since Christine your first daughter kept your line on incase some of your friends might
miss you and call, or some of your friends will forget you left and call you to
invite you to weddings , or one of your contact who never heard of your demise will
call to invite you for vacations(She is a bright one) ….It then wracked on me that
I have no choice, for you are not here and now my heart cries in pain.
Gone are the eyes that watched me grow, the eyes
that were able to see into my soul. Every single day I long for one more moment,
one more breath, and one more warm touch. I grasp desperately and sense the
closeness, the one just at the fingertips of my heart and mind but again the
truth downs again, you are gone and I am here with just the memories.
Mother dearest I loved you more than anything. I
miss your voice and the way you used to sing to me. You are irreplaceable woman
and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Sometimes a
warm memory sheds light in the dark and eases the pain like music then it darts
away on silent wings and I'm alone; hungering for more of the light
it had shone but again it is just wistfulness, longing nostalgia and melancholy
that give me company after your demise.
When I see post about my friend with their mothers
I cannot stop my tears. I remember you and my eyes are full of tears. I have
nearly used up all my tears; I really can't control my tears which come from my
eyes and sadness in my mind. I miss you Mum.
So mama here is a letter from me, I tried telling
you last night but the morning came fast…
Dear
Mom, I do not remember what you looked like the first day of my life, but I
will always remember what you looked like on the last day of your life. It
still bothers me that you left on that Sunday January the 19th
without me being there to hold your hand one last time. I am so sorry that I
was not there to say goodbye. I did, however, kept the promise I made of always
being the best I could and Mama I am proud to say I am just you when you were young,
strong, energetic, loving, caring, hardworking and I am not just saying this
because I want to look good but you know me well, when I count my blessings
this year I have a lot to be thankful of and I am proud that I have achieved
the much I have…
So
mama today marks the 1st of you 40 painful days in hospital, I do not like that
I was weak while you were there struggling to be so strong. My body just could not keep up with seeing
you weak. Or was I just lazy? Was I selfish? These questions still come up
after months of me struggling to be strong. Mum I missed the last days with
you, the first days in hospital I would sit late at night with you, watch you sleep,
you would share you food with me and then ask me to go home and get some rest and
take care of my siblings.
Oh,
Mama, I know how much you loved keeping things in order and making sure we grew
up being respectful and humble. I am
more of you than I ever thought, I love the woman I becoming each day. I’m back
to myself alright. I never feel like I've lost you Mama but it gets lonely
sometimes.
Mama
you were a woman of incredible strength. You shaped me to be the person I am
today and I am forever grateful to you. While I hate that I've lost you, you
would love to know your legacy live on.
Before
I log off for today, I want to tell you that our family is growing, we have two
more now; Kyle and Kigen, and they are two beautiful boys. I know you are a
proud grandma, I can relate because I am a proud auntie. The two are adorable
and they bring joy in our lives. I would love to tell you more (Udaku) but
people will read so I will talk to you tonight in my dream.
Love,
You
daughter
Remembrance in life's passing is the truest form
of love one can give, for a memory should never die and a love should live forever
in the heart of another.
Sniff...snifff...
ReplyDelete